Terror in London

I never want to make my blog political and I try to stay away from writing about my opinions about current affairs. However living in London and writing my blog about my life in London, today it seems unnatural not to share my thoughts or at least mention the terror attack that happened at Westminster this afternoon.

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According to the BBC four people have been killed and at least 20 are wounded.

I had just come home today, when I turned on the TV and it said that there had been a terrorist attack by the Houses of Parliament. I first thought about Greg, because he works so  close to the site and my immediate thoughts was that he could have gone there for lunch. My worries for him were calmed fast though as I saw that it happened after he would have been due to be back at work after lunch long before this happened, so that he would have been at his office when this took place.

Looking at the TV today though filled me with sadness and made me start to wonder about life, the way that these things always make you do.

Wherever a terrorist attack happens it is a tragedy and horrible for the people involved, for those losing a loved one and for the people walking around feeling that fear of terror in their body and in their streets. All lives count the same and everyone treasures their lives and the loss of a life is the same for anyone, that is a given. Of course when an attack happens close to you however, and you feel that this could have happened to you, where you are or where you might have gone you think of it more. I feel that we all walk around thinking in the back of our minds that such a terrible incident could not happen to us or where we live regardless of if that is true or not. It is how we survive and go about our day. So of course when it does happen you get surprised and shocked.

I remember when the Terrorist Attacks happened in Paris on November 13th 2015. I worked in a bar at the time here in London and when I came home and saw the news I felt very touched by it personally. Much because it was in a big European capital like London and also because the shooters shot down many places similar to my own work. This gave the added feeling of identification with the victims because it felt as though they had  a very similar night to my own up until it happened and it gave me a feeling that it could have happened at my job during my night just like it could with them.
It is the same thought that makes me feel strong about the London attack today, the fact that you walk so many times on that exact spot it happened and the feeling that I could have just as easily been walking here today or someone I love could just as those unfortunate people today or this could have just as easily happened when I walked here not long ago.

I think that is some of the effects terror has on us, the feeling that we are not safe  where we are and that if it could happen to them, it could happen to us which is so unfortunate and a part of the desired effect.

Earlier I was thinking of how this morning I was stressed and worried about what is going on in my life and when things like this happens you realize how small and insignificant these things are. Those poor people who died today do not have worries to wake up to tomorrow and they had no idea this morning. Their loved ones would most likely have good and bad things on their minds with their morning coffee and now those things are all over shadowed by what happened today and the grief that comes with it.

I feel bad for people in our community that might experience more racism, bullying and exclusion after today as well. In my experience this is something that often happens, people lash out at innocent people who had nothing to do with the incident because of their own ignorance. I hope that that does not happen this time, and lets remember to be kind towards one another and please do not put responsibility where it doesn’t belong with innocent people who had nothing to do with this. We have to be nice and kind towards each other even after such a terrible and tragic event.

I feel so sad for the people that lost their lives today, for the brave policeman risking his life and dying for the safety of others and for everyone grieving. I will be praying for them all and that we will all just start being nice to one another and stop hurting each other.

– Camilla

When nothing feels right

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To be honest, the last month has not been going so well. More or less since we came back from our weekend in Stoke-On-Trent I have been feeling very down, both low energy and low mood.

I think the combination of exam stress, work stress and our living situation and the uncertainty around it all is a major factor to these feelings.

It is crunch time for my exams now, the first two are already on Monday and Tuesday, I should be more or less done with my revision by now, but yet I am not. Not even close. A few days of those set aside to prep for exams I haven’t even gotten out of the house nor been able to sit down and focus, and the days where I have sat down and worked for hour, I haven’t been able to focus at all, making the prep totally worthless.

Suddenly, I have found my self without will, motivation, energy nor focus.

I think also the uncertainty of what I will spend my summer doing and how much work I will have, at the same time as Greg and I living in a tiny room we rent, while waiting to move out to our own apartment is at times a stressfull situation. I think simply I got overwhelmed all of a sudden, and I have felt unable to take much action or reach for new things as a result of that.

The bad thing about getting in a mood like that, is that naturally whilst feeling down and overwhelmed, one often feel less like being among others and going out socializing and more like staying inside your own comfort zone and take it easy. Although that might feel good at the time, I find that the more time I spend by my self in a low mood, the less I feel like going out,and suddenly I have isolated myself, feeling even lower.

Currently I am spending my Saturday night at the uni library, desperately trying to redeem myself to manage a good grade. As I tried to focus more and more these thoughts came up about how the last month has been and how I just lost focus so completely. Perhaps a small depression hit me out of nowhere, or perhaps stress and anxiety around it all threw me for a bit. I am not sure the reason, but I am sure of one thing.

This is not how I will spend my summer, and if I can help it it wont deprive me of succeeding in my exams. I have not worked hard all year to have it taken away at the last moment.

Only I can pull myself out of this temporarily hole and I will. I hope that it is not too late for my exam prep but I will from now until my exams do the best I can for it not to be. I still have time and I will use it. That is all I can do right now, the rest I will start working on after Tuesday. Then I have some time to prepare a lot before the next exam, at the same time plan out my summer and work plans, get back in a healthy food and work out regime and spend some quality time with friends and boyfriend.

The next few months will be great, I have just decided that they will be!

This was just some thoughts I needed to get down on paper so I can again focus on the work I am here to do. Has anyone else experiences with these troubles?

Hopefully in a few days there will be a much happier girl writing here to you! Have a great Saturday evening!

– Camilla