Presentations, Exams and Study, Study, Study

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My campus at sunset, Canary Wharf in the background

Boy, has this week been busy! I realize I keep writing about hectic days over and over, but this week has been over the top!

In between exams, presentations and re decorating I have barely had time to sleep. This weekend should have been spent either getting some rest before next week starting up again, or starting on my assignments that are due next week but no, I am working 12 hours Saturday and Sunday. At least I am being productive right?

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On Wednesday I had a 20 minutes presentation for my feminism module and on Thursday I had an exam for another module. Because the beginning of the week I was putting furniture together – something that took way longer than I anticipated I was suddenly a bit behind on my presentation, and ended up spending all night before fixing it up and adding to it.
By the day of the presentation I felt ready and walked in with mounts of confident. That was until we got into the room and got ready. And what happened – the stage fright! The dreaded stage fright! Suddenly it occurred to me what a sensitive and awkward topic my presentation was about, reproductive rights since the 1960s.

So there I was, on stage, visibly nervous with shaky voice, shaky voice and occasionally little black outs as to what I was saying.
I walked out of there feeling humiliated and stupid but with no time to wallow, I had an exam the next day.

Because my presentation went worse than I thought it would, I was determined to make sure I knocked the exam out of the park.
I already felt prepared, but I had to make absolutely sure. So I went home, slept for 4 hours, and stayed up all night and morning before it, reading and preparing.

img_20161216_192204I took all the exams I could find from previous years something that made me feel completely confident I would ace it, I knew it all! Or at least that’s what I thought.
Taking the exam, the questions were different that what I had prepared for, and in addition I again got a bit of a black out and could not get my timeline in order. I still dont know exactly how it went, but I have a bad feeling about it. I was kicking myself the whole way home. especially because I felt so confident going in and had such high hopes and standards for it.

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One exhausted girl Thursday night!

Oh well, I have two assignments due next week, and with a little luck and a lot hard work I can make up for this weeks disappointments.

So, another week spent reading and working ahead, if they go well, I will still be enjoying my  Christmas holiday.

Today however, it is time to change focus, from politics and academia to healthcare and caring for residents for the next two days.

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Of to work we go!

As you are reading this I will be at work, hopefully being more successful than what I have been previous in this week!

Have a great weekend everybody! Enjoy yourselves whatever you are up to.

– Camilla

 

A Holiday for Realization, Reflection and Inspiration

Now that our holiday in Crete is over, I have safely landed back home and a new routine has started. I have already been home for a few days, settled from my trip and even had my first days at Uni this new semester.

Our holiday has been great! A lot did not go as planned, but it was a holiday that I am so grateful for and that I needed.

The plan was to go on many trips, exercise, spend every day in the sun and soak up the Greek culture.
That is not really what happened. I spent a lot of the trip with what must have been the flu and only had a few hours a day on the beach, some I did not even make it to the beach. Often it was cold, and I did not make it to any excursions.
I had this whole plan to turn my blog into a well being/tour guide of Crete – well, obviously that did not happen.

But although it did not go according to plan, I am so happy I went, and I had such a great time! The holiday did not turn into an adventure of the island, or a cleansing trip for my body but it turned into a trip where I got a change to truly reflect on my life and How I live. A soul cleansing instead of a body cleansing!
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Not being able to go out every day and often getting tired quickly at night, I spent a lot of nights sitting drinking tea on the veranda alone with my thoughts. Sitting outside, listening to the sound of the ocean is so cliche, but it is true that it does wonders for your mind. Sitting in those beautiful surroundings and still missing home and being excited to come home is a true blessing. One that I often take for granted.
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I started thinking a lot of how I live my life, how I think, how my attitude is and how lucky I am with so many things in my life.

The truth is that my thinking can very often be negative, and especially lately I have been easily stressed, agitated and just had a bad energy.
It happens in life, we get so busy and caught up in all our responsibilities to reflect on how we think. If it then is something stressful or difficult we deal with often we can get in a bit of a funk.

I started watching these youtubers videos about positive thinking, and it hit me how right they are, and how much I have to learn from this.
The last few years I have been negative. I have let little things ruin my day, and put me down. I often expect the worst. I have felt tired and become to comfortable sitting inside.

I started thinking about why I do this, because it is really so silly!
I realized that I am simply afraid of being disappointed, therefor I have never got my hopes up about things I really want, and just believed that I wont get them. But by doing that, I have also not tried to go for what I really want. Winther it be a job, a friendship or just small things.

The same goes for how I talk about myself or the things I do. For instance if I am doing something well and someone tries to compliment me for it or show an interest, I always drag out the negatives. Not to complain, but to make sure I wont disappoint. I am so scared of that I might fail, so I dont tell people the goods. I always think that this could get away from me so quickly so I better not give anyone the impression that it is going super well, how will I then look if I fail?
And by doing so, I talk so much negative about my self that I am putting that negative energy out there and then of course start to doubt my self. Not to mention that I start focusing about these negative things.

Most importantly, I started thinking about those around me, those who my negativity impacts. For instance Greg, who always try to build me up, always is positive and tries to get me to do so many fun things with him. I feel bad that although I am not negative about him, having a girlfriend who had been looking at the negatives, questioning herself and often does not want to do much at all, it must be so hard!
Because although I want to do so many things in theory, when it comes down to it I often have had an excuse. Especially the last few months. Such as I am tried, I need time, I dont look good. And always the same thinking – tomorrow I will feel better, look better -have more time.

The things is that I want the best for those in my life, and I want to give them joy. Too often I feel that I want to please everyone, but I end up disappointing everyone.
I want Greg to be happy, and have a fun girlfriend. I want to be a good friend, a good aunt and a good daughter.

I always put happiness in the future and believe if I just reach this goal or that goal, then I can start to relax and be truly happy. I just need to loose some weight, I just need to get a hair cut, I just need to settle in at work, I just need my skin better. Always something.

I want better relationships, but often I shy away from social encounters. Especially with those I really like being with. It is like I have a fear that if they spend too much time with me, they might be disappointed. And it is so silly! Those who are meant to be in your life will want to hang out with you, but I have not given many people the chance, because I worry to much about myself.
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The most silly thing of all is that I am actually a very positive person. Just lately I have forgot.

But now I feel that I have had some time away, and made some hard realizations about my self. Dont get me wrong, it is not like I think I am a bad person, it is just this energy I have had lately, the energy I did not even think about.

But now that I have, I am all ready to start positive thinking! In fact, I have already started.

I have quit thinking that everything will be great tomorrow, just not today. Why not today? Happiness and positivism is not tomorrow, it is now – in this moment!

  • I wont think that I will not tell people or think about what I am so happy about right now. It might go away tomorrow, but I trust that it wont and if it does go away my being negative wont stop that. Why would I take away the joy of it today just because of the fear of tomorrow?
  • I am starting to say yes to things, as long as I dont have a gut feeling it is wrong for me. But try new things, enjoy what I am doing.
  • I am realizing that whatever is going to happen to me, nothing will happen that I cant handle. And whatever happens will happen for a reason, what matters is how I deal with it.
  • I am focusing on the good, not the bad. I dont put myself down, I focus on my good sides and I believe in myself.
  • I think everyday of what I am happy about

I must say, ever since I came home and has been conscious of my own thinking, I have been feeling really happy. It is the perfect time for it too, a new year is starting at Uni, I have missed home enough to truly appreciate it, and I am more ready than ever to tackle this third year of uni.

I truly believe that we often get what we need, not what we planned for and I am so happy that the holiday did not go according to plan. This was just what I needed!
I feel so inspired and excited!
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I am so excited to share with you how this will go, and to be open to new things and see things in a new and brighter light.
I am excited, because I feel that I have my old self back and now that I realized I had lost myself a little, getting back to my old self is so much easier.

Now I will go to get some sleep, tomorrow is a new day, that for me will be spent studying so I need my sleep!

Goodnight to you all, sweet dreams,
– Camilla

Bad Start to The Weekend

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The weekend is here!! Finally, I should say, but I currently in bed with a terrible back pain, trying to find a position that is good for my back – which I am starting to doubt that exists.

The plan for today was to spend the whole day at the library, finishing of my essay and possibly going for a bit of a work out but it doesn’t look like that is happening yet.

I have been feeling unwell since Thursday, it started with a big headache  but now it seems to be sitting more in the back. If there is one thing I do not have time for now it is to get sick and not be able to do any work.

The next few weeks will be very busy as exams is coming up, essays are due and I will also be having quite a few shifts at work. But that’s ok, it is the same every year and I do like to stay busy. But with everything so close together, I need to really keep focus at what I am doing and my time management.

I guess most other students are in the same boat as me this time of year. Which is fine except for days like today when I loose time that I dont really feel I can afford.

Thankfully Greg has gone to the pharmacy now to see if they have something to help, whilst I am in bed with the dog next to me, trying to get better. Hopefully I will be today and still get something out of the day!
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I will update again when I am better and have more interesting things to write about than to be unwell.

– Camilla